Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The other day Joanna and I were talking about how we don't show our emotions on the outside, we stuff them down and act like everything's alright until we just break down for no reason. Why do we do that? Why do I feel like I can't express how I really feel to others, even to Matt? I feel that I need to be the strong one. That crying means I have little faith. My way of dealing with things is just to not deal with them, until I absolutely have to face it.

I cry in the car. That's my "safe" place, I guess. The kids are entertaining each other or listening to music, and no one else can really see me. So I let myself think; I let the tears fall. Then, before we get to our destination, the mask is smoothly back in place. Sometimes people say to me they think I'm so strong, and all I can think is they're so fooled by me. But if they are, it's not their fault, it's mine.

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